Someday I'm fairly certain that the holidays
just may ultimately kill me. The heightened
frenzy leading up to said month of cocktail
parties, gift shopping, and more than one's
share of mega meals is beyond exhausting.
And while one most certainly enjoys most
of the season, few of us realize the toll that
all of this seasonal celebration takes on us.
In the end what I resent most is the feeling
that I really didn't get to enjoy very much
along the way. That's probably because I
never stopped to smell the balsam. You see
I was too busy decorating and tossing it.
Every new year causes us to pause and
be rather introspective. Somehow the
simple shift of a single digit nudges us
out of our malaise. Hence at least in
theory, this is a time to review, renew,
and revive. My concern is that I may be
too exhausted to actually contemplate
or implement any sort of change. I must
admit I'm rather embarrassed in saying
the above. In theory I want for nothing.
Yet like any human being, I can't help
but hope that some elusive nirvana is
still out there awaiting my discovery.
Little is actually easy. At least not on the
surface. "Luck" is a random phenomena
where suddenly all of one's planets align
and presto-change magic happens. We've
all experienced that phenomena at some
point in our life. However the older one
gets, the more one accepts that caprice is
random at best. Fortunately most of those
of a certain vintage have no regrets about
accepting reality. Rather our problem is
a subtle lack of motivation. Such innate
inertia slowly limits our personal sphere
of influence. Are we jaded or discerning?
Moving far away from it all has helped me
sort things out. The good news is that I'm
rather comfortable with my rural Montana
circumstances. Yet my greatest challenge
is not adapting to isolation or solitude. It's
the ever changing challenges that come
with "retirement." If nothing else a job
provides structure. Parameters that one
can easily perform within. For a creature
of habit like me, said construct facilitated
a comforting routine. The corporate realm
gave a rhythm to my life. And now that I'm
on my own, I'm more than a tad off key.
To be clear, I'm as busy as I've ever been.
Finding something to do isn't my issue.
Rather it's managing this a never ending
stream of opportunity. There's no doubt
I've plenty to give or that many are more
than happy to take it. However theres got
to be some way to establish and maintain
some sort of a new routine. A comforting
context that can facilitate and maximize
my productivity. Hence my resolution for
the new year is to finally get whatever my
new act is... together. Oh, and hopefully
actually do something better for us all.
Hence the deep, dark, question. No matter
where one is in their life - is anybody ever
completely satisfied? I'm not talking about
pure unbridled happiness. Rather of a basic
comfort level with the reality of existence.
No matter who we are, we've all got issues
to deal with. The flotsam and jetsam of life
constantly litter the shores of our personal
nirvana. Is searching for peace of mind an
exercise in futility? Is it time to just let go?
And at least in my case... let GOD? I'm
ready for a divine intervention. Yet if any
miracle happens, it must be of my doing.
Maybe I should organize a self help group.
My version of the AA would be defined as
"Anal Anonymous." One can't help but get
a chuckle at the vision of a group of former
fashionistas sitting around, chugging java,
and commiserating about their ill attempts
to resist micromanaging every detail of their
existence. Maybe that's my future. I could
establish a twelve step program for control
freaks. Yet why burden myself trying to fix
those who obviously prefer the status quo.
Therefore I now declare 2016 the year for
this queer. I'm going to happy if it kills me!