Everybody feels lousy at times. However
in our modern world said feelings can now
sport a plethora of official sounding titles.
Hence one can no longer be simply sad.
Rather one's symptoms are now deemed
the result of depression, post traumatic
stress syndrome, or even a case of gluten
intolerance. All of which make me even
more depressed. I prefer to not be tarred
by some clinical diagnosis. Rather all that
I want is to wallow in my own pit of self
pity for a couple of hours or days. And
then quietly move on with my life.
We've all got our share of baggage. Thus
while naming whatever ails us might in
theory shift the blame onto something or
someone else - in fact each of us must
be responsible for whatever impacts our
individual spheres of influence. My own
state of happiness can be easily dimmed
by a few external factors. Most often by
those who love or hate me. When they're
happy, I'm in a state of bliss. However
when they're pissed, I immediately sink
into the gutter with them. And such a
group effort rarely lifts one up.
What fuels this innate Pavlovian reaction?
It can be easily influenced mood shifts. Or
blamed on my Mother. However both are
just excuses. My problem is that I disdain
discord. Meaning that if or when possible
I'll do whatever it takes to avoid conflict.
Sadly at times others will do whatever it
takes to literally back you into a corner.
And once you've reached such a point of
no return one is forced to confront one's
demons in the most intimate of manner.
One can try to rise above it. However the
best approach is usually to just ride it out.
In my opinion a pill or cocktail only defers
the inevitable. At some point we all must
confront our demons in order to move on
to better things. Depending on whatever
one's personal crisis is all about, such a
reconciliation may take hours or years to
finally come to fruition. However we all
must accept that the residual backlash of
our mistakes may haunt us forever. Years
later a long forgotten error of your ways
may reappear much like Jacob Marley.
And whether one welcomes their return
or not - said sightings rattle one's chains.
What bothers me is how much being
bothered by something bothers me.
I abhor riding a personally induced
emotionally roller coaster. When
negatively impacted by external
forces my assumption is that I'm
a weak freak. Fortunately I've now
come to the conclusion that those
occasional bouts of feeling sorry
for myself couldn't be more normal.
Hence at least for now I'm happy
to be unhappy. Tomorrow is a new
day and thus this soon shall pass!